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27 January 2013

4:30 am: Awakened By Demons With Teeth Like Syringes

I have never been able to lie or fool myself. Even when I was strung-out, on the streets, and doing whatever the fuck it took to get that next dirty fix...I was always aware of the reality of my situation. Bottom line is, we all come with a built-in bullshit detector. Some of us just have grown complacent and comfortable turning it off.

I never learned how to do that. And over the past month or so, mine has been going off big time...like some fucking grenade exploded in my head and each piece of shit I write is nothing more than a fragment of the reality that has been pulverized. These tiny fragments, in and of themselves, are no longer capable of revealing the "big picture". There is no context, no ribbon of truth to string them together to form some rosary on which I can place my faith.

I do not want to work the jobs you work. I have no interest in consuming the things you consume, be it a new house, a new car, a new TV or any of the other trappings you people so badly cling to in a failed attempt to define who you are.

I have had all that shit, and the wife that went along with it. I wasn't any happier then than I was during the years I spent with a needle in my arm sleeping in parked cars outside of here-today-gone-tomorrow punk clubs.

I just can't pretend everything is cool, and sleep through another meaningless day. Because everything is not cool. If the sole purpose of our lives is to slave away at some job just so we can buy the latest new fangled widget that comes streaming off the assembly line, then it can be said we have no purpose.

Whether we numb ourselves through the days with dope, weed, booze, TV, or buying the latest fashions in some shimmering boutique...the fact reamins, we are still numbing ourselves. I am at point now, where like Dorothy in that OZ flick, I have peaked behind the curtain of this existence, and the facade has been shattered. There remains nothing of interest to numb me through another day. I have grown tolerant of the illusions of your days, and the pills that ease you through them.

I almost died in July 2012. Well actually, I did die but was brought back to life on a operating table. They claimed I had had four heartattacks in the last year  but was unable to feel the pain due to the weakness of my heart muscles. No need to go into details. My life speaks for itself.

But hey, rumors of my death have been circulating through the barrio streets for years. Death is one fate I fear less than I do waking up day after day searching for some meaning in a world that has none. Perhaps that is why I am still kicking around. I don't cherish life or death. I am just here and now, and the nows add up slowly to form years and decades.

Don't get me wrong, this is not some sad self pittying blog entry bled from the gut of a depressed soul. It is a testament to the liberation of the human spirit. It is knowing when to toss off the old ways, the old customs...and set out on a self discovery of new ones. It is quite liberating to shatter the illusions and see things as they truly are.

Year after year I find something new to pacify me. But at all times I am aware that that is exactly what I am involded in...pacifying myself in hope something comes along that is capable of consuming my mind, spirit and energy...and give me a reason to look forward to another day.

Until then, I can just try and pretend I am happy and content...like all of you do.